h2o - 07/24/04

It comes magically out of the faucet, it fills our toilets, is drops from the sky, but when bottled with a fancy label, it becomes an 8.3 billion dollar industry. It’s water, and it’s all around us. Some people even drink it, regardless of its lack of sugar and caffeine. This review is an in-depth look at this miraculous substance, and its affect on all of our daily lives.

First of all, water seems to be pretty good. There are a bunch of studies out there that claim that water is "essential." I suppose that we do need it to clean ourselves occasionally, and that’s tough to do with other substances. Gasoline works well for cleaning oneself, but it leaves a distinct smell, and taste. Milk spoils after a while, and there’s nothing worse than the smell of spoiled milk and B.O. So, in that case, I can see where water would be essential.

So far, so good. Water keeps us clean, and for that we should be grateful. Plus, it lends itself well to the creation of ice, which mixes well with many of my favorite drinks. So, water is kicking ass, and on its way to a great review, right? Wrong.

It turns out that water is a deadly killer! In the year 2000, it killed 9 people per DAY! I’m not making this up, check it out at http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/factsheets/drown.htm. And it’s EVERYWHERE! It’s being bottled and marketed in every store in America. As a matter of fact, you could be water’s next victim, and you won’t even see it coming! I found this statistic very troubling, and as a result, I cannot give such a deadly fluid a favorable review.

The cost-benefit for water is incredibly lopsided. Over 3,000 people per year die from it, for what? A little cleanliness? That’s crap, and I am here to say that we should not be victims to the water industry anymore. Water is a terrible substance, that has no nutritional value whatsoever. Look on the side of that bottle. It’s NOTHING! It kills thousands, but never gives us anything because it’s NOTHING!

In conclusion, water is terrible. If you need to keep yourself clean, use some wet-naps from KFC, or just live with the smell of gasoline. Water gets a big thumbs down.

-jay