ISP - Inbred, Stupid People (Part 2): The Bill

So after all of the problems, dozens of phone calls and a couple of technician visits later, all of our problems seemed to be over. Reliable Internet access: unlimited tomes of information, countless multicultural social experiences and volumes of bizarre pornography.

Needless to say, we're satisfied. Then the fateful day comes. The bill arrived in the mail. It's a two pager, which is never a good sign. I glance over the first page and nothing out of the ordinary jumps out at me except for a line that states "SERVICE OUTAGE - RESIDENTIAL" with a $3.00 credit to our account. I was shocked at the generosity of RCN. Seriously, we were out of reliable service for almost a week and they gave us a whopping $3! Three frickin' dollars! Amazed and dazed by their benevolence, I tried my best to recover and went on to the next page.

As my eyes regained focus and the tears of joy dried, I began reading through the second page. I notice a strange section called "ADDITIONAL CHARGES FOR THIS BILLING PERIOD." Rut roh.

Underneath, there were two separate charges on two separate dates that read "Technician Visit - $9.99." My mind reels back to my many hours on the phone with the kind Pennsylvanians when they assured me that since the problem with our service was with RCN's equipment, the visits would be free of charge. I'm immediately on the phone with customer service.

Get this: The two charges are actually smaller parts of one $50 fee for us not being home in our appointment when the tech arrived. They split the $50 fee up into 5 smaller chunks over several bills to make it easier to pay. How thoughtful. Their kindness aside, it was time to discuss this "missed appointment." According to RCN, a technician came to our apartment complex at 3:03pm. Apparently he couldn't gain access to the building so he left and called dispatch, informing them that we weren't home.

I did my best to explain to this poor CSR (Customer Service Representative) that our apartment complex has a 24-hour doorman and if the tech was there at 3pm, the doorman would have let him in. If the doorman wasn't there, the leasing office would have let him in. If no one was available to let him into the building, the intercom panel is right by the door and he could have used that to gain access.

This confused the CSR (Clam Sucking Retard) couldn't get the layout of my building's entrance to materialize through his second grade education. I made a critical decision: "Let me talk to your supervisor."

25 minutes of Yanni and Kenny G later, a tired sounding supervisor answered the phone. I tried to explain to him that we were in fact home all day and we never heard from the technician until 6pm when he apologized for not showing. The supervisor wouldn't have any of it and recited his Pissed-Off-Customer speech with practiced articulation. "I'm sorry sir, this is a non-refundable charge. Since you weren't home when the technician came for your appointment, we have assessed a $50 fee to your account."

Pissed off, I hung up. I told Jay about the situation and he got fired up as well. We decided to take our aggressions out on a game of NCAA Football 2003 and a couple of beers. After brutalizing the opposition on their home field, we felt much better. I composed myself and called back hoping to find a different idiot to speak with.

I found myself talking to a wonderfully nerdy sounding young man about my problems. I explained that we were home and never heard from him. The standard response: "Sir, he was there at 3:03pm and couldn't get into your building." I explained the layout of the property one more time with an emphasis on the intercom. A faint glimmer of hope shined through the CSR's (Completely Senile Rim-jobbber) voice. "Well sir, the technician may or may not have tried the intercom."

That means the technician walked up to the front door, looked inside, tried the locked door, and left. Who knows, he may have even stood there for a few minutes picking his ass. I compared this situation to a technician showing up to a one-family house, standing on the doorstep for 5 minutes, looking at the doorbell and walking away. When this didn't work, I asked for another supervisor.

This one must have used his Jedi powers to sense that I was a formidable foe so he tried to appease me with a refund of 1/2 the fine. I said that it was a step in the right direction but I wasn't satisfied and I'm not going to stop until I get a full refund.

Wanna hear how I did it? Read on to Part 3 - Retribution.