cellphone

I’m salivating at this very moment. That having been said, you must realize that this is truly a topic that brings about complete and total rage. Alright, I have a cell phone, and realize that they are wonderful tools of technology that have many great purposes. However, they can be severely abused, and be one of the most annoying devices on the planet. And if you don’t realize how annoying a cell phone can be, you’re probably one of the idiots that drive me to the brink of homicidal mania on a daily basis.

My first cell phone complaint is the cell phone in the movie theatre. Honest to god, this happened to me once. I’m in a theatre with a date and we’re right in the middle of the movie. A woman three rows in front of us has her cell phone go off. That’s enough to piss somebody off, but this bitch had prerogatives outside of common courtesy. She answers the phone and starts having a conversation, shouting over the dialogue of the movie! And she talks over the movie for over a minute! After we realize that she’s not going to shut up, we start the process of telling her to, “SHUT THE F$%K UP!” You know what she did? SHE KEPT TALKING!!! Finally, a theatre lackey escorted her out, to which the entire theatre responded with applause, but the experience alone was a wake up call to me. These people must die!

My second cell phone complaint comes from the people who have personal conversations on cell phones in public places, like a store. Come on people, you’re in a public place! No one wants to hear about how you contracted crabs from that sleazy next door neighbor! Shut up and save it for your home, or cardboard box, or whatever the hell you go to at the end of the day.

Third, people who shout into cell phones. The person you’re talking to may be hundreds of miles away, but trust me, the phone you are talking into will get your voice there without you pissing everyone else around you off.

But all three of these other complaints combined are nothing compared to what you are about to read. I tremble with rage and shear hatred for human kind for even thinking of this idea. Walkee talkee cell phones. Oh, my dear god, what sadistic son of a proctologist came up with the idea of making cell phones even more annoying!!!??? By now, you had to have run across someone using one of these things. Not only do you have to hear what the person next to you is saying, you have to hear what the other person is saying too! And to make it as annoying as possible, the creator of this instrument against humanity had the brilliant idea to make the damn thing beep before and after every fragment of broken English! How? Just, how could people be so damn stupid to create something like this? No, I take that back. How could people be so damn stupid to actually BUY something like this!?

This is completely mind boggling to me. I am now convinced that certain people only exist in the world to annoy the hell out of the rest of us. And, unfortunately for us, they are now armed with a new weapon. Luckily for us, we still have handguns.

-jay