Flatulence


Dear Dr. A. Moral,

Why do warm farts smell worse than loud farts?

Flatulent in France

After a dinner of authentic Mexican, consisting of enchiladas and refried beans and a side of onions and broccoli (just for fun), I find myself wondering the same question around bedtime. The average gas passer would probably assume that the difference is in the creation of methane gas inside of the lower intestine. But in reality, the answer to this question is philosophical in nature.

Every fart is special. Though there are many varieties, two stand out above the rest. The first is the loud fart, which is incredibly embarrassing in public situations and is usually saved for home or dorm use. The loud, or resonate fart, though fairly odorless, produces an immediate reaction. The noise associated with such an event has become sheer novelty in our culture, and will almost surely result in a giggle and a look of horror from anyone within an audible range.

The second fart is the ominous silent type. Usually a hot sensation in the anus is associated with this type of fart. Also known as the "silent-but-deadly", or to the more uncultured crowd, "silent-BUTT-deadly", this form of flatulence is usually associated with a horrendous, unhuman smell. This is the novelty of the silent, hot fart. It’s smell.

Both farts are actually just filling in their purpose in life: to act as a novelty for others. Once the loud fart is unleashed, its novelty is immediate, and with its purpose fulfilled, it fades into the distance without much harm. The silent-butt-deadly fart fulfills the same amount of novelty, but in a much stealthier, assassin-like way. Due to the lack of initial noise, its purpose is fulfilled later, through the gagging and coughing of those around you.

So, loud farts are nearly odorless for the same reason hot, or silent farts reek of death. They are both only allotted a certain amount of novelty at birth (or push), but both fulfill that novelty in their own special way. Quite simply, they are fulfilling their destinies.

Sincerely,

Dr. A. Moral